The Silliest Thing I’ve Done Stoned
By Mike Adams
Marijuana is medicine to many while simply the green gateway to a damn good time for others. But no matter whether the cannabis plant is used to tame the unruly symptoms of a gnarly health condition or to simply forget about the drool of life for an evening, it's tough to deny that the average pothead tends to put on a clunky pair of clown shoes when they get ripped.
Cannabis might be one of the safest drugs on this rotten planet, but that doesn't mean it can't discombobulate our faculties and set us on a crash course for some rather hair-brained displays of red-eyed stonertude.
The high and flighty might search for their car keys for thirty minutes only to notice, but not before they’re officially late for work, that they've been holding them the entire time. Oops, sorry, boss, I'm stoned!
These folks are also apt to bump into inanimate objects and apologize to them as if they were a person: "Um, Excoooose me, mister, I'm just a little bit too high."
They might even make a bold attempt to migrate into the living room with a plate of nachos, only to see that they've spilled it all over the floor once they get there. That, my dear fried friends, is called a wrecked diet.
Too Much of a Good Thing
The Bluntness readers we talked to about the silliest stuff they've done under the influence of our old pal marijuana did more than just corroborate the notion of absurdity while stoned to the bone. Oh man, did they ever. They took the concept to a whole other level.
Some of our favorites included those who blow on their cereal to cool it off; those who put a banana up to their ear thinking it was their cell phone, and at least five people told us about putting cold food items, like ice cream, in the cabinet instead of the freezer.
"I put the milk on top of the fridge and the cereal inside the fridge," said Rachel from Southern Indiana. "Like five times in four months."
All of these nonsensical tales of toker tomfoolery piqued our interest while also giving our hope for humanity a mean case of whiplash. Some misadventures began simply as a way to tame the munchies.
"I left to walk down to the convenience store to get some snacks, and about halfway there, I realized I wasn't wearing shoes," a man named Cullen told us. "I went back home to put on some shoes and then tried it again. When I finally got to the store, I realized I didn't have my wallet."
But Cullen isn't the only one whose stewed state caused confoundedness along the roadway. Some folks had serious issues involving driving. Not necessarily handling the vehicle safely, per se, but remembering the purpose of the trip. "I was driving for twenty or thirty miles and realized I had no clue where I was going," reports James, a 42-year-old from Yreka, California. "Had to turn the car around and go back home. Even afterward, I still have no clue where I was heading."
Not for more weed, I hope!
Some of y'all reefer road warriors got so high that you couldn't even get the car out of the driveway. "I thought my car died and had a buddy come jump my battery only to see him get in my car and start it right up," a man named Justin recalls. "I never turned the key." And to think the federal government is concerned about stoned driving. Hell, most folks will never leave the house!
The More Epic Weed Fails
The silly antics got even more asinine once pot edibles were in the mix. A man named Ray told us that he phoned in an emergency incident on himself one night after an overzealous affair with a scrumptious plate of pot brownies. "My heart was beating really fast. I thought I was going to die," he said. "I called 911 and told the dispatcher that I had eaten some edibles and told her that it was ok if the police threw me in jail, but I needed someone to save my life, like now."
By the time police, an ambulance, the fire department, and the coroner arrived (just kidding about the coroner), Ray was convinced that his goose was cooked. After all, why would they send in the calvary if he wasn't in grave danger? "The cops asked me if I had any more weed in the house, and I told them, 'No, I ate it all.' Then the paramedics checked me out, blood pressure and all, and said there was nothing they could do. I thought they meant they couldn't save my life. I started crying and asked them to please try. But they just meant I was going to be ok."
Another man named Clay told The Bluntness that he ended up serving our country by way of the U.S. Navy after getting too high. "My old man was a Marine, and he wanted me to follow in his footsteps, but I had no desire to be a Marine. After a night of partying with my buddies, I came home and got ambushed," he recalls. "The old man was drunk, pissed, and we had the big falling out."
Once Clay's father threatened to drag him to the recruiter's office by his hair, Clay knew it was time to split.
"I called a friend who was laying low because he knocked up his girlfriend and her brothers who were not in prison were threatening to kill him, told him fuck it, I'm out," he said. "We got smoked up, talked to a recruiter, and three seriously fucked up days later, we were standing in front of the Great Lakes Naval Training Center."
A Cannabis Specialist Medical Doctor Weighs In
So, why does cannabis sometimes confuse us, making it impossible to do a broad range of tasks without becoming silly and forgetful? Well, according to Dr. Jordan Tishler, CEO of inhaleMD and Instructor of Medicine at Harvard Medical School, that's just the nature of the stoned beast.
"Cannabis works by interacting with receptors in our brains called CB1. These receptors generally ‘slow down’ the function of those brain cells. These receptors are located in different and important parts of the brain," Dr. Tishler explained. "In particular, they're located in the frontal cortex and the hippocampus. The frontal cortex is where a lot of our "thinking" happens and, in particular, our judgment."
Therefore, while slowing this part of the brain is great for calming anxiety, it can also spark a propensity for "silly things."
"Similarly, the hippocampus is part of the complex system that stores and retrieves memories. So, slowing this area can be good for PTSD but lousy for remembering what we came into the room to do," Dr. Tishler said.
The important take-home message here is that, like with any medication, a little can be helpful, and too much is, well, too much. Because once the line is crossed, there's nothing a person can do to escape these madcap experiences. Marijuana does what it does.
"The key is moderation and keeping the dose low," Dr. Tishler asserts. "In addition to keeping us from doing silly or even dangerous things, keeping the dose low prevents tolerance, dose escalation, and dependence."
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