Help! My Partner Isn’t Down with Pot

Breaking up over weed? Is there a better way?
Breaking up over weed? Is there a better way? /

Romance often buds when two people least expect it. It's like, "Oh, hey, excuse me, I didn't see you there," and then BLAMO! There are heart palpitations, chills, and even a temporary stutter. 

No, it's not a stroke. It's love. They've found the one

But wait, what's that? While getting to know each other over dinner one evening, it is revealed that "The One" isn't keen on cannabis. In fact, they are vehemently opposed to the drug. 

Yeah, they even called it that – a drug! 

They don't smoke it; they don't like being around people who do, and they damn sure don't want to settle down and have babies with them. 

It is a hot subject of contention by the time dessert rolls around. There's even an ultimatum: It's either going to be Me or the marijuana.

The Marijuana Mismatch?

There are many couples out there who are fortunate enough to have found a partner with similar interests in the stoner arts. But not everyone with an affinity for weed connects with like-minded souls. 

That doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a love connection. "I've fallen for women who didn't like the fact that I got high," James, a 45-year-old mechanic, told The Bluntness.

Of course, it’s possible for two people to bond over sober affairs at the onset of a courtship. They might not think their cannabis consumption is necessary to mention to a prospective partner over coffee. 

However, the second the couple goes hiking and one of them whips out a 25mg gummy to enhance the trip, they might learn, and quite quickly, we're afraid, that weed is a dealbreaker.

One man we talked to, Cary, 32, says his relationship has officially hit a turning point because of weed. Although his partner was forthright about her disdain for dope at the beginning, she was seemingly okay with him using it. 

One day, though, her tolerance for toking changed. "She came home after work, and I was dabbed out on the couch with a pizza burning in the oven," he told us. "There was no harm done, but she wasn’t happy." 

Cary's evening nap and neglected Holy Pepperoni went from a relaxing night to one filled with drama. "She was screaming, saying I had a drug problem, and I was going to have to quit or else," he said. "I told her I'd think about it."

Unfortunately, some people try to control relationships with ultimatums. Yet sometimes, a power trip shows up in the form of bargaining and shame. 

For Kelsea, a 31-year-old from South Beach, Florida, her relationship was regulated over blunts. 

"I had one guy I dated tell me I should only smoke joints and bowls,” she said. “For the relationship, I did it." But not even that was enough to make him happy. "Then he said I smoked too much and would give me a limit."

That’s when Kelsea gave it to him bluntly: “I told him we’re through.”

“It’s either me or cannabis”

Stories like these are enough to make most cannabis consumers cringe. Perhaps it's empathy or just a churning feeling deep in their guts that they'll be next. Many believe that no cannabis fan should ever be asked to give up weed for a partner. They claim these relationships are doomed anyway, so why continue?

"Break up immediately," a man named Kurt declared. "Ultimatums over a plant aren't acceptable."

Some consumers believe getting twisted over a bit of weed (or a lot) is a sign of something darker. If ever presented with the "It's either me or cannabis" line, these people are inevitably picking weed.

"I'd say, honey, I was stoned when I met you, and I'll be stoned after you leave," Bert, a 55-year-old from Austin, Texas told us.

Northeast in Mississippi, 46-year-old Jenny applies a similar retort. "I told him from the first time my consumption came up – Mary Jane was here before you, and she'll be here when you are gone," she said. "I've lost friends, family and took so much shit for the flower that by 21, I was not bs'ing."

Meanwhile, those consumers who presumably understand just how difficult it can be to make a genuine love connection, believe taking a break from the bud isn't such a bad idea. At least, not for the right person.

"Stop smoking and focus on the relationship," a woman named Stella recommended. "They'll know soon enough if the sacrifice was worth it."

But what do the experts say?

Advice From a Love Coach

Lisa Concepcion, Certified Love Life Strategist, Dating & Relationship Expert and Founder of LoveQuestCoaching, tells The Bluntness that cannabis consumption is a topic that two people should discuss when beginning a relationship. It's the only way to avoid cannabis-related conflict.

"These days, there are many reasons why people consume marijuana, so it is important to be on the same page," she said.

Not mentioning it could be a recipe for disaster.

"There are many people who do not consume marijuana at all, so it is very important to be upfront about details regarding use, especially when it is considered part of one's daily life," she added.

It is also just as important to reveal the reason for consuming. 

"There's a big difference between someone who takes a hit off a joint socially or a gummy for an occasional migraine than someone who smokes daily either recreationally or for serious health matters," Concepcion said. "An open conversation during a pre-date screener call is recommended."

Okay, but what about Cary's situation? His partner tolerated his pot use at first, but she eventually flipped her script and changed her tune. Concepcion said this situation is not uncommon.

"It's normal for people to believe they can overlook or deal with their partner's use in the beginning of a relationship but then as the relationship progresses for them to change their mind," she explained. 

"When someone says they ‘don't mind’ that you do something doesn't mean they are all for it. When someone says they ‘don't mind,’ this means there's a possibility that someday they might mind very much,” she continued. 

It's the "why" that could be a concern.

"If she's presenting a ‘me or the weed’ ultimatum and the weed is necessary for health reasons, then that's selfish," Concepcion said. 

"If an ultimatum is being presented, it's usually because she's evaluated the impact use has on her individually. Perhaps there's a good reason. Relationships are always about growth and evaluation. What worked at the start might no longer align over time. Best for people who consume marijuana to stick to being in relationships with people who do also.”

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